Letting Go.. an abstract thought.

Letting Go

 A lot of times we hold on to things that aren't beneficial to our lives, things that actually delay us rather than progress us. The funny things is, usually, you know that holding onto that thing, those things,  is/are restricting your full movements and possible strides of continuation, yet you refuse to relent or acknowledge that their effect on you isn't the most enhancing. Well, how do you do it? How do you let go? You tell yourself, "alright, I am done and moving forward." However you find yourself, secretly, waiting and leaving open opportunities to come back into contact with that "thing." It is the fight of the flesh and mind. The fight between knowing what one ought to do and what one will choose to do. The fight of desire and common sense. A battle that is hard to reconcile. Your id and superego are going head strong, and your ego is trying really hard to mediate, but perhaps your ego maybe a tad bit bias this time around. I mean, really, how do you do it? How do you leave something that you know might need you, but something that is potentially holding you back? Because you want to feel needed, so you stay. The truth is that one thing may not even need you? So here it is trying to solve a rubiks cube with the wrong algorithms, it is not likely.

So how do you do it? Cut off all attachments? Cut off what you love? No one can answer confidently a concrete answer, and rightly so, because there are no concrete answers. All can only respond with subjectivity and relativity answers, and in the end you are left to fend for yourself. Life, as abstract and almost impossible it will ever be, one can only continue, and conquer one activity at a time. Eventually, one finds that they have made it and the insignificance has slowly fallen off and success is at a bay.

Do something nice for yourself (you'll live longer)

Yet another adventure to partake in, my heart is jumping for joy. I've heard Savannah was beautiful filled with old plantations, wrapped in bundles of southern culture, and colorfully painted with history. I look forward to soaking up the sun on Tybee Island and walking barefooted on the grass in the yard of our little Beach cottage, with 25 rugby women running all around me. I felt compelled to write this quick and succinct blog, because I feel that people don't take enough time to romance themselves, and that we get too consumed in doing life and not enough time to breathe (here's the logic less oxygen-less intelligence-less friends ;). So here is my suggestion for you and I, lets take time to breathe, smell the soon to blossom roses, and live a life full of quality. Lets all take time for ourselves, romance ourselves. It could be as simple as buying yourself a truffle piece from Godiva, or taking a little walk down the street. Be good to yourself because you're body is God given and it dePublish Postserves nothing but the best! :D

BUT A MOMENT

This pass year, months, days, minutes, moments have been odd. My life this year has passed in blurs of moments.I recall some particular moments, but when I go to my mind I see a tornado of thoughts and memories, swirling and moving at various speeds.

I'm not sure where my time has gone, one moment I was and the next I'm not. It's strange. What an abstract thing, time and life is! How can one ever grasp the full concept?

But here is the thing that has been playing in my mind. What is life? What is "US?" "We," as people, as individuals, what are we? Who are we? What are we doing with our lives? and why do we do the things we do? And where the heck is all our time going?!

And then, cha ching! It settled with this thought! WE ARE BUT A MOMENT! One single moment! That's all we are. Really, it is a tad bit bothersome to me, but it is something that settled very deeply in my heart and being. The reason everything has been passing in blurs is because I AM A BLUR! I'm but a smidget in time! You and I, we are but a spot in this world's timeline. YOu and I, we will be forgotten.

And so, now conviction sits in my heart. What am I doing with myself? Apathy has been my friend. Indifference has been my drink. Selfishness has been my food. I've lived a self-centered life, but yet I seek fulfillment. I'm not sure if this is registering, but the logic is, that... it doesn't work!  Seeking self + fulfillment = emptiness. I realized that the only way to find true meaning is to draw to the higher power, because there is a void in all of us that seeks something more than the everyday monotonous living. Even the most powerful of beings on this earth would not and could not satisfy the cravings of our soul! So what are we all doing? What does this life all mean? I feel like a crack head running towards her cocaine, but after the rush of good feelings, I'm lower than I ever was before. I seek success. I seek prestige. I seek love. I seek attention. I seek honor. I seek wealth. I seek a name worth saying.But for what? I am but a moment! The life I live will end soon, and no one will remember me or the awards I've won. No one will care about me. So what I must live for is to die to myself. I need to give up anything that has to do with nothing, and listen to the voice that speaks to the very depth of my little heart. The voice that pushes me towards the goal and prize of which I strive for, the one that tells me to love others more than myself. And so I will continue to attempt to live for others and less for "self" and its needs, and sacrifice selflessly, and maybe find in my search the true meaning of life

Coffee... the way you romance me, no words can describe.

Here's a bit of a fun piece i decided to write at 3:24 a.m. 

Oh, COFFEE! Coffee, coffee, coffee.... What is thy name?  That which we call an espresso bean by any other name would still taste as sweet.  Is it the way you make me feel warm and gushy every time you're around? Or is it the way ONE SIP, just one sip, has the power to change my day, my week, my every moment! My sleep is restless, but my mornings are peaceful when I have you, love!  Oh my cup of Joe, held so tightly between the grasps of my palm I carry you with love, Beloved Java. My beloved espresso. Me beloved, little dark, brown bean the way you smile at me, when I open my fairly traded bag of imported love, it beams me with delight and my grin is felt from one ear to the other. Oh, beloved, when I freshly grind you in my little, nifty, grinder that Target has bestowed upon me, I give thanks for your harvesters who have worked so darn hard to get you where I want you. When I measure the water for boiling, my feet taps out a little rhythm of soul for the happiness that you bring it. When I get you into my coffeemate, coffee machine and press the start button, I tear up a little at the way you sing and let your aroma run so freely all around me, because I know the outcome of your love, and it's a little overwhelming.  I sit and wait in eagerness at your completion. As you are brewing, I bring out our old friend, dear Hazelnut creamer. Oh, the excitement she radiates to see you once more, and the spoonful of sugar that screams to be put in our tasse de café.  Do you feel the celebration that awaits you? The celebration that awaits me elicits a happiness within. And... ah there you are... finished, and ready to be poured. Ready to be infused with the festivities of hazelnut and sugarcane. I take my teaspoon and stir away all my worries.  I pick up my cup of paradise and oh that sip, gives me the hope that the day is but a hill of ants that is easily smitten with one stomp of my foot. With you, beloved Coffee, it's almost as if Oprah herself was going through my day with me. Coffee, you are a love and friend that I fall speechless for. One sip, just one sip has the power to change my day, my week, every moment. :)

The Gray Areas.

Here we go again: SEASON CHANGE, both literally and metaphorically. I call this, the gray area. The area where you are not quite sure what is reality! Do you ever get into a strange sort of stupor, where you can not put your fingers on what you are feeling, nor where to start?  You know, the place where you are barely meeting the consciousness threshold, but yet you feel all of your senses in overdrive? Hmmm... here I ponder with pursed lips, this state of being. Why must life be consistently hazy? You must sometimes wish that life had contact lens to clarify all this murkiness.

The troublesome thing with gray areas, is that their color is absolutly, dreadful, dreary, depressing, deficient, and void of definite feelings. But thank God gray areas are only temporary! When seasons are changing it can be a little awkward at first, barren trees, strange looking buds, not fully frozen nor free flowing H2O molecules, but eventually seasons develop into a wholesome, fully blossomed flower, lush & over bearing trees, whole icicles or a liberated lake free of any. You see it is our job to add a little shape and body to the colorless blob! But you can not help but ask yourself, "what in the world am I to add and why are there so many decisions to be made, and why do I keep tripping over my follies?!" Lovely, how human we are! It is true we have follies, but perhaps, we have more strengths?! Strengths that can pull us through into this new season. Hope that can pull our blob into some tangible shape that we can recognize. Aspirations and dreams that do not need to take any kind of typical, clichéd, shape, but, instead, will form your blob and create it into a shape that is its own. How interesting would it be to create a whole new kind of geometrical figure, of which no one in the world could figure, nor imagine possible, but YOU get to share and educate the world on this new shapen blob!

As for the threshold of consciousness, I think you just have to push through with your best effort and at some point you'll realize that you've been completely conscious the whole time. Make decisions with both your heart and mind. I believe there needs to be an equlibrium between the two, and I think the philosophical Chinese would be in agreement with me on the whole balanced thing, which means what I'm saying is legit. Your Yin and Yang should be balanced.

Love in details (a poem)

I want to be loved! Loved, 'til the last breath that I breathe, engulfed in romance and passion. Why I wait, and choose not to settle is for I wait HIS arrival. The day he steps in and steals every breath my body can muster. The day that all I can do is but not fall without him next to me. The day that my heart dances and skips, fluttering all about as if hundreds of Monarch butterflies has just emerged from their chrysalis home. He is the one I want to sail across oceans with, explore the 7 seas, dance the tango with in Spain, farm with in France, share Risotto with in Italy, mount elephants with in Thailand, lay with on the white sands of the Caribbean. Yes, I wait. I sing songs, and speak words of love as if calling out to him, "Beloved, I am here waiting for you!" I whisper my love in the wind that blows so softly against my face,  hoping that my wind will find and caress him, and carry my whispers so he knows I am here. He will be the one that turns my bitterness into a sweetness, and will carry me through my turmoil. We will not be stopped by the discrepancies of life that threaten to tear mankind apart, but we will work together to build a better world. We will be as iron sharpens iron, looking to the positive, and will share a constance assurance with words of affirmation. Together, we will be free. I will know he's the one by the feelings of liberation in his presence. I will be able to dance around with a crown, embroidered with beautiful carnations and dandelions, as I dance freely in a field of richly colored tulips of all different shades and contrast! Oh, how we would discuss all the subjects one can possibly imagine, and topics would be endless, while still being able to say so much through our silence. Darling, your love is healing! How I wait for you. The one that can make me feel joy through my sorrows, the one that can make me love in anger. I wait for you. I long for you. I may travel all through out this world, but I will wait for you. Come quickly for your beloved waits you. But I must be assured I  to wait for timing must be right. We must walk this road well, so we may live abundantly, together. And here I wait for you.

Chaos and Expectation :)

DEEP BREATHS. This is what I have been reminding myself with through this week, day, moments. The  process of leaving a country is very.... hmm... hectic. I am still in the midst of packing. I have overloaded my living room with clothes, suitcases, hair product, shoes, chocolate, fruit snacks, hot cheetos, and sticky rice. They say I may have created a nesting place for snakes and anacondas, with the way I've terrorized the room. I believe I let out the jungle in my folks' apartment. My father refuses to clean the house, until he is sure I am on the plane, so I will not have the opportunity to do further damage. I have been too excited to eat, so I am a little dizzy and disoriented at the moment, but none the less very ENTHUSED! People usually start packing weeks in advanced, well I piled all the advanced weekly packing into one whole day! It's a more subtle adrenaline rush (of which I wish on no one.) So now, I sit and blog though I have a room,  no... an apartment, full of unfinished packed bags, and yes, I sit here though I can hear my friend Chrissy screaming my name aloud, as I choose to ignore her. This is fun.

But to be completely honest, I leave in about  4 hours and I have no finished bags,  I'm not exactly sure what terminal I'm to go to, nor do I know what hotel I'm staying in when I arrive in Bangkok, Thailand. But I shaved my legs and that makes me feel good, but besides the point, I should probably find that stuff out. :) My parents are concerned that I will be trafficked in Bangkok, so I have been reassuring them that I am a lot smarter than I put out. Common sense, is a pretty good friend of mine (I think). I have been told don't talk to strangers and don't take any offers from strangers. I feel five. This is the most scattered brain blog, I've written yet. But I hear my friends a calling and is that a low, rumbling scowl I hear? I should wrap up this nonsensical blog if I actually want to make it out of this house alive.  Yes, I am excited :) God is good. :)